If my dad was "suppose" to get cancer and pass away, as God planned, why did I pray so hard for him to get better? Did it leave me hopeless? Sort of... Maybe I wasn't praying correctly. Is there a correct way to pray? I prayed for a lot of things when my dad was sick. I prayed for him to not have to be in pain. I prayed for the sickness to leave his body. I prayed for personal strength. I prayed for my dad's strength. I prayed for my family. I know God heard my prayers. He answered all of them during that time, just not the way I wanted. I did pray for the cancer to leave his body, and it did when he went to Heaven. That was God's plan no matter how hard I prayed.
A few years ago I found myself praying pretty hard for a couple other things: a new career and a baby. I used to love teaching, but as the education system changed, as politics blinded the vision of what was good and right, and as other people's ulterior motives took control, I fell out of love fast. I needed something different. I felt guilty spending thousands of dollars on my own education and advanced degrees, to step aside, but I couldn't go on being miserable. I had to respect myself enough to walk away from something that no longer served me, helped me grow, or made me happy. If I didn't make a change, nothing was sure to change.
I prayed a lot for a new direction and a new path in life. Over a year of prayers and conversations with God flooded silent car rides and night time rituals. Not more than a month after finding out I was pregnant, I was unexpectedly forced to start changing gears. I had no job lined up and no plan in place. Was God's timing really perfect? I was unemployed, and I was pregnant. The answer was, YES. God's timing was PERFECT! To be honest, I was more relieved than I was scared, and that shocked a few people. I knew God heard my prayers, and this was his answer. I was not worried at all!
Some people may have freaked out being pregnant, standing in the unemployment line, but my prayers were heard and answered. Not a single part of me was scared of His plan. My faith in God made everything acceptable. There was a lot of concern from friends and family for me and my husband. It was so easy for me to tell them that things happen for a reason, and it is what it is. This was God's plan. It will be fine, and it was.
My baby boy is healthy, happy and has already turned a year old. My maternity leave lasted a wonderful 7 months before I found a new job. I don’t mind jumping out of bed at 4:30am to get myself and the baby ready for the day. I can finally rejoice in going to work rather than become emotionally drained and depressed. I’m happy. My life is great. Months of prayers were answered. I am beyond thankful and wonderfully blessed just as God had planned.
So are prayers selfish? Are they a form of greed? I just got done saying how blessed I am. How dare I ask or pray for more! This is my struggle. I feel like I'm constantly fighting with myself over what I think is prayer worthy. I'm so lucky to have all of these blessings in my life, should I even pray for more?
Confused by my own faith, I asked someone else for his thoughts. I was reminded that any time we open ourselves up to God, and lift up any type of prayer, it is not selfish. It's better to say the prayers that weight on our hearts and minds, then to not pray anything to God at all. Because we are human, we are sometimes impatient as we wait for our prayers to be answered. We need to remember that God does hear our prayers, and at the perfect time, he will answer them. By lifting your needs and worries up to God, he will know the prayers of your heart. He will know not to take them as a form of selfishness or greed, but as a way of giving yourself up to him to work with and mold.
What I think is selfish or greedy may very well be a personal hope or a dream of mine. Having hopes and dreams is not selfish. I can’t be so hard on myself. I have no way of accomplishing or working toward anything without those goals. Many of the things I pray for are not out of greed, even though they are things I would enjoy. God knows this, and if I pray that God will hold my hand and guide my feet, maybe that prayer can be accomplished by my hard work and God’s guidance. Along the way I bet God will have many lessons to teach me.
I'm not going to lie, I still feel somewhat selfish when I pray for something my heart wants. When I pray, I need to ask God to help me to be patient and to hear the reassurance of His plan for me. I know when I pray for guidance, God will instantly answer. Any time you think something may be a coincidence or ironic, think again. Is it God reassuring you of his greater plan? Is it him telling you to be patient? Listen every day for his words. I hope this blog is an answer to someone's prayer or just reassurance of His plan for you.
When I began this blog, I was questioning my ability to pray. No sooner did I beginning typing, then through the computer speakers Carrie Underwood's lyrics caught my ear. If you’ve heard the song, Something in the Water, it's the one where she sings Amazing Grace in the background. It was that hymn that brought me to attention, and as I hummed along, I heard the words of Carrie's song. "Just a little faith and it'll all get better, so I followed that preacher man down to the river, and now I'm changed, and now I'm stronger." It was God's way of saying, "Sara, I'm here. I hear you. Have faith, I'm in control. Lift up your prayers and follow me."
Reassured in what this blog is all about: I once was lost, but now am found.
